Adopting an Ancestor
Adopting an Ancestor: How Do You Actually Begin a Relationship With the Dead?
Someone recently asked me how you “adopt” an ancestor, and it reminded me of something that happened a few years back.
I saw someone ask a content creator, “How do I contact my dragons?” The creator wasn't doing anything wrong, per se. They simply weren't answering the questions people were leaving in the comments. That bothered me because, as a teacher myself, I think if you're going to put educational material out into the world, you should be prepared to answer questions—even if the answer is “I don't fucking know.” You don't have to know everything. Nobody does. But if someone is genuinely trying to learn, I think it's worth engaging with the questions.
So, since nobody else was answering the question, I decided to give my own two cents.
What struck me was that the basic advice I'd give someone wanting to begin working with dragons isn't terribly different from the advice I'd give someone wanting to establish a relationship with an ancestor, spirit, deity, or other entity: start by getting to know who you're dealing with, approach them respectfully, create a space for them, communicate, and let the relationship develop.
So, if you're wondering how the hell you actually go about adopting an ancestor, here's how I'd approach it.
I've never personally gone through some formal, prescribed “ancestor adoption” process, so I'm not going to sit here and tell you that my way is the way. I'm giving you my perspective and how I would approach it.
First, What Do We Mean by “Ancestor”?
This is where I need to make a distinction because I don't personally use the word ancestor in the broadest possible sense. When I say ancestor in my own practice, I generally mean someone I'm biologically descended from. My blood kin. That's how I normally use the word.
However, for the sake of answering this particular question, I'm going to use the broader definition: a person who came before you.
The word itself comes from the Latin antecessor, which breaks down roughly as:
ante — “before”
cedere — “to go”
antecessor — “one who goes before”
So, in its broader sense, an ancestor is someone who came before you.
That could certainly be a biological ancestor, but in this discussion I'm using the term to include someone who preceded you in history.
And no, that doesn't mean I'm suddenly claiming every historical figure you admire is your great-great-grandmother. Although, technically, you could choose to establish a relationship with someone who isn't part of your bloodline. That's the whole bloody point of this discussion.
So What Does It Mean to “Adopt” an Ancestor?
I wouldn't look at it as magically rewriting your genealogy. You're not suddenly declaring, “This person is my biological ancestor now.”
You're choosing to establish a relationship with someone who came before you and whose life, work, knowledge, experience, or legacy you feel connected to.
In that respect, I don't think it's wildly different from beginning a relationship with another spirit. You learn about them, approach them with respect, create a place for them, invite them in, communicate, make offerings, and see where the relationship goes.
That's the basic idea.
To be clear, once the relationship is started, there may be more you do in order to maintain it.
Start by Learning Who They Were
If you're going to establish a relationship with a particular person, bloody well learn who they were. Not just the pretty, sanitized version.
If you're choosing someone from history, find out what you can. Look for photographs. Read their writings if they're available. Learn about their life, their accomplishments, their failures, their beliefs, the people around them, and the world they lived in. Find out what they liked, what they disliked, what mattered to them, and what made them who they were.
Don't just pick somebody because they're famous or because somebody on social media has turned them into a spiritual aesthetic.
Actually get to know the person.
Since you're working with someone who isn't part of your bloodline, you may have to do a wee bit more digging. Photographs, letters, journals, biographies, interviews, artwork, recordings, books they wrote, places associated with them, museum collections, historical records, or objects connected to their life can all give you a point of connection.
And don't underestimate the wee things.
Maybe you discover what perfume they wore, what sort of music they enjoyed, what foods they liked, what books they read, what they collected, or some seemingly insignificant detail about their daily life. Maybe there's a particular object that has survived from their lifetime, or a place they spent a great deal of time that you can visit.
Those details can help you build a more personal connection with the actual human being rather than some idealized version of them you've created in your head.
You're trying to establish a relationship with a person, not decorate an altar for the sake of having a pretty altar.
If You Already Know Who You Want to Work With
If you've already chosen the person you want to work with, this is where your intuition can become useful in figuring out how to connect with them.
Let's say, for example, you want to work with Helen Keller. You already know who she was, you've researched her life, and you've decided that she's someone you'd like to establish a spiritual relationship with. Your intuition can help you determine what you feel drawn to when you're creating that connection.
Maybe you're drawn to certain photographs of her. Maybe you feel particularly connected to something she wrote. Maybe you find yourself wanting to learn more about a particular period of her life, visit somewhere associated with her, or incorporate objects that remind you of her into your space.
Pay attention to those impressions. They can become part of how you develop the relationship, but—and this is where I'm going to tell you to keep your head screwed on fucking straight—intuition isn't the same thing as historical fact.
If you have an intuitive impression that Helen Keller loved a particular flower, don't suddenly start presenting that as historical fact because you felt it. If it can be researched, research it. If it can't be verified, then treat it as an intuitive impression rather than something you know for historical fact.
There's nothing wrong with saying, “This is what I'm sensing,” while also saying, “I don't actually know if this is historically true. Those two things can coexist quite nicely.
Sometimes You Find the Spirit Before You Find the Person
The other possibility is a wee bit different. Maybe you aren't looking for a particular person at all. Maybe you come across an object that seems to have a spirit attached to it.
You find an old photograph or object in an antique shop and get an unusually strong impression from it. Maybe you acquire a haunted doll and, through your own experiences, come to believe there is a spirit attached to it. Maybe you're drawn to an object, grave, or place and eventually begin to identify the spirit connected to it.
In that situation, you're not starting with, “I want to work with this particular person. You're starting with, “Who the hell is this?”
If you believe you've encountered a spirit connected to an object or place, you can begin communicating with them and finding out what you can. You might ask their name, learn what you can about the object's history, research where it came from, and see whether anything you discover lines up with what you're experiencing.
And this is where your intuition can be particularly useful—but again, don't throw your critical thinking out the window. If you get the impression that the spirit attached to an old doll was a woman named Margaret who lived in Scotland in the 1800s, that's an impression. Research the object. Research its provenance if possible. Look for records. See what you can verify.
If nothing can be verified, that's okay too. You can acknowledge that what you're working with is based on your spiritual or intuitive experience rather than claiming certainty about the person's identity. And if, over time, you decide that this is a spirit you want to honor and establish a relationship with as an adopted ancestor, that's where the process begins.
Whether you found them because you went looking for a particular historical person or because you stumbled across them through an object, the principle is the same: get to know who you're dealing with before you start making assumptions about them.
Create a Place Where They're Welcome
This doesn't need to be some elaborate production. You don't need an entire room. You don't need an expensive altar. You don't need seventeen crystal towers and a $400 antique table unless you bloody well want them.
A photograph can be enough. A candle. A glass of water. An object associated with them. Something that reminds you of them. Create a space where you can sit, communicate, and leave offerings.
Then invite them.
Speak plainly if that's what feels natural to you. Introduce yourself. Tell them who you are. Explain why you're reaching out and why you've chosen them. Ask whether they're willing to establish a relationship with you. You don't need to perform some elaborate theatrical invocation unless that's part of your practice. You can sit down and talk.
Seriously. Talk to the dead.
Offerings
This is another area where folk can get themselves tied in bloody knots.
Offerings exist in many forms of ancestor veneration and spirit work, but what is appropriate depends on the culture, tradition, family, and individual you're working with. There isn't one universal shopping list for the dead.
My own go-to is generally wine or ale and cake, but that's me.
Food, coffee, tea, fruit, bread, sweets, flowers, tobacco, or other offerings may be appropriate depending on the person and the tradition. And if you actually know what the person liked?
Even better.
If Grandma loved coffee, give Grandma coffee. If Grandpa loved whiskey, that may be a hell of a lot more meaningful than putting out wine because somebody online told you all ancestors like wine. If they hated roses, don't give them roses just because somebody made a correspondence chart. The point isn't checking off a list of “approved ancestor offerings.” The point is the relationship.
Then Talk to Them
This is the part people sometimes make far more complicated than it needs to be. Simply fucking talk to them. Tell them about yourself. Tell them why you're there. Ask questions. Tell them what you're hoping to establish. Petition them. Communicate with them. Leave offerings. Sit quietly with them.
You can speak aloud. You can communicate internally. You can use whatever method fits your practice. Ask them to make themselves known if that's something you want.
Then pay attention. But don't go assigning supernatural meaning to every bloody thing that happens.
A weird noise is not automatically a spirit. A dream isn't automatically a visitation. A coincidence isn't automatically a message. A bird landing on your windowsill isn't necessarily Great-Aunt Margaret dropping by from the Otherworld.
Maybe it is. Maybe it isn't.
Use some discernment.
Keep a journal. Write down dreams and experiences. Record what happens and look for patterns over time rather than deciding that every strange occurrence is proof you've received a message.
Give the Relationship Time
You don't put up a photograph, light one candle, and suddenly have a fully developed relationship with a spirit. That's not generally how relationships work. You spend time with them. You learn how they communicate. You learn what feels like them and what doesn't. You establish boundaries. You develop trust. You figure out what sort of relationship you're actually building.
And that's really the heart of this whole thing. You're not performing a magic trick to acquire an ancestor. You're establishing a relationship.
The person you're approaching existed before you. They had a life, a personality, experiences, beliefs, flaws, relationships, and history. Learn about them, approach them with respect, and give the relationship room to develop.
And Here's the Part You Shouldn't Ignore
Being dead doesn't automatically make someone wise, benevolent, or trustworthy.
The dead were people. They had flaws. They had bad habits. They made mistakes. Some were wonderful. Some were terrible. Some were complicated as hell. Some were assholes. And depending on what you believe about death, reincarnation, and what exactly a spirit is after the body dies, you may have different ideas about how much of that person remains.
Some traditions and beliefs view the spirit as continuing in a form that retains much of the person's personality and character. Others believe that death changes the individual in significant ways, that the soul moves through different states, or that the person may eventually reincarnate. There isn't one universal answer to what happens to a human being after death.
But regardless of where you fall on that spectrum, I think it's worth remembering one very simple thing: Being dead doesn't automatically make someone better.
If someone was a murderer, a cruel bastard, a manipulative person, or simply an absolute arsehole in life, you shouldn't assume that death magically turned them into a benevolent spiritual guide.
Depending on your beliefs, their spirit may have changed. It may have evolved. It may have moved on. It may have reincarnated. Or it may still carry aspects of the person they were. And if you believe the latter?
Then aye, an asshole in life might still be an asshole in death—and there's no reason to assume a spirit has suddenly become nicer simply because they've shed their meat suit. That's why I don't recommend romanticizing the dead simply because they're dead.
Respect does not mean blind trust. Honoring someone doesn't mean agreeing with everything they did. Establishing a relationship doesn't mean giving them unlimited access to you. You can respect a spirit and still have boundaries. You can honor someone and still say no. You can establish a relationship without handing over your common sense.
And if something feels wrong, pay fucking attention to that.
You invited them into the relationship. That doesn't mean you owe them continued access forever. Use your bloody common sense.
That's part of spiritual practice too.
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